parenting.

i can't tell you what it means to me...what it does to me...to learn more about this world of parenting. i am not holding an infant in my arms questioning his needs upon a crying call for something (most likely food, warmth, and a smiling face). i am not baby proofing my home, redirecting, fighting, or facilitating the curious needs of a toddler...all of which require a great amount of energy, physical strength and patience. i am not caring for a young, playful, school aged child eager to follow the rules and help in any way possible. my cute boy is growing.

right now i am spending my days with a pre-preteen boy. a boy who is very much my sweet young cuddly boy, yet beginning to question the world around him. who is beginning to feel emotion much stronger than before, and respond in ways i don't even know that he feels he understands. the crabby (almost pms-ish frustrations), the sobbing from hurt, and the extremely cold or furious moments involving total disregard to consequences. even the excited beyond excited can't-stop-dancing-and-jumping-and-laughing moments. it's all extremely exaggerated. really, like pms. many of you are surrounded with young children and all i can say is...it's coming. :) it's not awful, don't worry...but it totally caught me off guard to start now.

today my sweet cassie spontaneously invited me to slip into a most amazing class at a conference to hear a speaker that struck the core of her. my own heart had been yearning for parenting instruction for weeks now (totally withdrawling from my overload of parenting bliss in my final semester earlier this year...and in complete need personally). i sat, i listened, i cried, i patted myself on the back for the things i was doing right, and i felt sheer doom for my child for all the things i could have done/be doing better. i wrote furiously in my spiral, and i prayed that amazon would have all the books on my new wish list for like oh 50cents. i sat with what felt like a literal cloud bubble over my head where i could envision the new life we would live the second i left this all-knowing speaker. as i sat i could feel it happening...my shoulders began to relax, my breathing slowed down, the lump in my throat was big and pushing the tears through me ready to release a flood of emotions and feelings that needed to surface. i know there is a final element of me that i am terrified to fix. and when i consider it, i somehow make it worse, never acting on it. i know that my child feels it. i know that it most likely hurts him, too. i feel my family at a stand still literally waiting for me to make it right. or maybe the standstill is because of the transition. or both.

my transition is more than just no job. it is which middle school to prepare for? which new neighborhood to call home? which ward (church boundaries...which are important to me so that alec grows up with friends strong in the gospel)? what's affordable? where would we fit in? what can we make cozy and peaceful with a yard, and a swing, and a hammock? which school is a good fit for me to teach at? and is it close to the middle school? and will i still be able to meet his needs while working full time? and will we be okay? and is that really what i want to do? and why did i choose a profession that makes so little money?

i could go on and on with the worry...

but today, a woman sharing her knowledge, expertise, feelings, and passions met my needs as a woman and a mother. she spoke to the core of me giving me hope and patience and a new charge to go home and be a good momma. change the things i need to in order to enrich our family rhythm and keep doing the things that are developed and working.

"i don't know, YOU were born first," my son eloquently reminded me, in a particularly intense parenting moment.

it's true.

i was given the responsibility, and i need to utilize this very strong backbone with which in most cases i live my life.

it is a new phase of life in our home. we are growing. and i am beyond grateful for doses of brilliant parenting rejuvenation i get to experience. if you have an opportunity of your own, i recommend it...it will remind you of the depth and importance of this great thing we do called parenting, and will lift you beyond measure to make it happen.