"Mom, you're more fun now than when you were in school. No offense. I mean, not that you weren't fun then, but you're more fun now."
pause. pause. pause.
(all with a look of panic as though he's quickly asking himself if he really said that out loud and how can he play this off in the most fun joking totally smooth way)...i let him wiggle a bit. :)
and my perplexed look and hesitation wasn't because he dared to say it...but because guilt is upon me feeling so much weight from all that I am NOT doing as I worry about the big: our future, a job, where Alec will go to school (including the seasonal desire/need for supplies and clothes and such), if we should move from our current dwelling, & the mundane: the maintenance of our home, the clothes that need to be tended to, the dishes, food, the whereabouts of our rebate check, etc.
and while I'm feeling these things, I'm feeling far away from my child. (yet, I'm more fun)
and what i realized as alec said this, is that perhaps i AM more available than i think. maybe there are more moments when i am engaged and following through with the kind of mother i want to always be than when i am in my own thoughts.
and then i immediately thought of this work of my mothers. she stitched this
about 30-or-so years ago. she can't quite remember if I was born or not. but i can't help but picture her thinking of herself as a mother while she stitched...either with me as only a mere thought, or in her belly, an infant lying beside her, or even a toddler toddling as she worked. i think mothers plan, and they think, and they worry. and i think that my cute boy made a pretty important statement for me today....that i am more fun now than when i ignored the world writing crazy papers, reading crazy textbooks, sitting in crazy traffic in my commute to school, and staring at the computer for hours and hours everyday. :) sweet.
about 30-or-so years ago. she can't quite remember if I was born or not. but i can't help but picture her thinking of herself as a mother while she stitched...either with me as only a mere thought, or in her belly, an infant lying beside her, or even a toddler toddling as she worked. i think mothers plan, and they think, and they worry. and i think that my cute boy made a pretty important statement for me today....that i am more fun now than when i ignored the world writing crazy papers, reading crazy textbooks, sitting in crazy traffic in my commute to school, and staring at the computer for hours and hours everyday. :) sweet.
1 comment:
so yes...i'm commenting on my own post! my mother informed me i was in her tummy and she was stitching for my nursery. and this cute work, which is hanging in my living room, was also hanging in my nursery when i was a wee newborn. i like that even more.
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