beautiful simple complicated peaceful insanity...life

Sunday, July 10, 2011

PROBLEM #1: I absolutely cannot accept myself. In fact, I often feel completely unacceptable. I can't imagine the comfort of being blissfully and peacefully comfortable with ME. It's paired with an odd mix of uniquely confident which is just as true and genuine so I'm sure this all sounds like a complicated mess. (which could be fine since your reading about the beautiful, simple, complicated, peaceful insanity that is my life)

PROBLEM #2: I don't know where it is in me to change. I'm not saying it's not there, I'm just saying I have no knowledge of it. I try, I swear I try. I feel like mush. Like I AM mush. I feel like the foolish man who built his house on the sand. I build and build and then crumble cause I am only made of mush.

My to do lists are always miles long full of "busy" or "for the boy" and very little of what to do to work on me so that i can change this unacceptable status. It's when I am truly alone that I recognize this (cause I forget in the distractions that I suppose I purposely create).

And so I am trying to form my mushy sand-like fingers into shape so that I can pull up my bootstraps. Trying to read, ponder, pray, write, workout/find the source, work through the source, grow, change, and accept. All I want is to accept. And it's likely only then that I can see myself comfortable enough to ask someone else to accept me, too.

1 comment:

kristin said...: "This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man." ~W. Shakespeare

I like the way you are able to articulate what you are dealing with. That is no easy task. Putting words to things is so hard so often. It's also worthwhile enough to cause you to hope for some sort of insight after the telling, which is one MAJOR reason I write. Not knowing the source leads one to begging questions, which, in turn, get us on the path hunting for answers, seeking qualified advice, critically analyzing the findings, and eventually fashioning a plan of action. Change is never easy. But it can be exhillerating. And the research says it's good for your brain, to boot. Stagnation, old routines, and overly systematic living actually contributes to memory loss, fewer synaptic connections, and lower levels of serotonin. People who know how to change things up, move thing around, revel in change, and thrive in unfamiliarity are those who will enjoy more useful brains for longer. The human brain need challenges, just like the body. Our brains plateau when we feed it the same stuff all the time. Again, this parallels the case with the body. Mind, body, and spirit thrive on new material, diverse material, and challenging material. This can be dangerous for smart people, or people in general actually, who get in the proverbial rut because they feel comfortable playing to their strengths. For example, mathematicians may gravitate to algorithms and permutations while literates gravitate to poetry and other forms of literature. This is fine but once the brain establishes certain synaptic pathways these channels get deeper and deeper and sort of begin to make a person a bore. The brain gets used to certain activities and becomes less challenged. Here is where the research says things begin to degenerate. Moral of the story: writers should try Sudoku and math people need to try a hand at a crossword and both should run a few miles a few times a week. Oversimplified, perhaps. Still, you get the picture.
To address the questions and concerns around finding the sources to certain powers: How does someone become a better runner? By running. How does someone become literate? By reading. There are no secret shortcuts. I love this notion. Me and my brother talk about this often: If you want to be a good artist you have to be willing to be a crappy one for quite a while first. Let us try and remember this: EFFORT CREATES ABILITY.; July 13, 2011 at 1:20 PM