it's about to be 3am.  i can't sleep.  well, i suppose i probably could (i'm kind of dying to) but i'm scared.  every time i lay down (the past few nights especially) my dreams are haunting me.  which i suppose makes them nightmares.  they are very specific and i go directly to that place.  i can't seem to shake it.  the thing that makes them particularly yucky is that they are real.  these moments really happened once upon an awful awful time.  and repeatedly i am going back there to an unfathomable state every time i stop for sleep. 

life allows us to live and experience the right, wrong, awesome and horrific.  my dreams are frozen in horrific.  perhaps i found my hypnosis experience (she/the counselor says the process goes faster if i can think of an experience that might be at the root of my issue).  that sentence has been stalking me for 3 months now.  how can i sum my issues into one experience??  no way.  no way at all.  i think that is the reason i've been a tad more sensitive lately.  it's that i've been trying so hard to do the "homework" of finding a root experience so that I spend less time and money with the therapist (i haven't actually seen her yet, only an inquiring phone conversation which led to the "need" for a specific experience and pressure to find one.  it's not REALLY needed, but it's helpful).  sometimes that is just tricky to do on your own.  i hope i'm guiding myself correctly.  i'm ready to get out of horrific.  i'm ready to not punish myself physically anymore.  if that's what i'm doing, then i need to be done.

would you ever sell your life story (anonymously) if you knew there was a possibility of a movie?  a lifetime movie obviously, not a bigscreen?  do you think it would be possible to not tell a soul?  i would love to reap the benefits of having MYversion of MYstory outed (oh the freedom), but get to do it privately without anyone knowing (skip all the shame people might feel with names attached...shame of myself included). 

okay, i'm trying this again.  it'll work this time.  i have nephi to read about and a beautiful cozy bed to comfort me.  plus my boy is in the next room in truly a peaceful state and that feels darn good, too.