a breakthrough of magnificent proportions.

deep breaths...innnnnnnnn and ouuuuuuuuuuut.  again.  and again.
i have been working today.  i woke up early with good intentions of being a part of interviews at school, but with absolutely no solid form of myself in sight.  i had to back out.  i didn't get to sleep until after 4am even while lying in my bed and trying to shake these thoughts.  and once i drifted, i ended up in the stupid dream i mentioned a couple of posts ago.  the alarm went off soon after.  i got up and tried.  i even looked up dreams and what causes them and possible meanings.  i wrote about where my nightly thoughts take me.  i recommitted myself to the alanon classes for this evening cause they are monday night happenings.  and while i know i am deeply effected by the alcoholism in my family i still wasn't feeling these issues as my source of pain right now.  i continued to work. 
while pondering, i muted my house (tv on mute, ringers off, etc.) and wrote ferociously the words in my heart.  and i cried my eyes out.  tears from deep deep deep within.  tears i didn't know i needed to cry.  tears that left me out of breath.  tears that i didn't stop.  hard, cleansing crying.  when i was calm and came back to myself i went to the mirror and for the first time in a long long time I saw ME.  i saw my eyes and the deepest most sincere form of myself.  i saw the little girl.  i saw the teenager.  i saw the woman.  i saw the truest form of ME.  it was beautiful.  i got to tell her, the girl in my eyes, that it was okay.  that she would be okay.  that everything was going to be alright.  even that i was finally here for her.  i was acknowledging her.  i can't believe i got to see her.  she looked so sad and so beautiful all at once.  i missed her.  she seems relieved now.  and so do i.  cause we are the same.  she is fragile, but relieved.  this girl inside me was never really forgiven by me for some of her mistakes.  i mistreated her.  i was mad at her.  i was mad at her family for not teaching her.  i was mad at her for not knowing anyway and figuring out the right way sooner....before mistakes were made. mistakes that would haunt her.  but it's not her fault.  it happened.  she's been forgiven.  it was time for me to forgive her too.  even for the horrific.  it felt good to connect.  i feel like we're still holding hands.  her eyes were beyond beautiful to connect with.  i saw into her soul.  into my soul. 
she's been hurting and damaged and abandoned with her arms up as if to say, "what the hell??"  i think she may have even been screaming "what the hell??" since i left her.
today i heard her.
today i SAW her.
today i came back to myself.

this breakthrough is beyond any i've ever felt before.  and there have been many over the last 13 years or so.  the love in my heart for myself has been profoundly changed.  i am physically effected by the work...as if i have done a complete major workout.  i am shaky, noodley even.  i am still taking big, long deep breaths.  i feel fragile.  but i also feel strong.  i feel good.  i look like a wreck, but i'll take it:)

i think i'm going to request a blessing that i might handle this reconnection in the best way possible.  that i might have the strength, wisdom and knowledge of how to take care of this girl in me who's trying to catch up to her 33rd year of life now that she's found it.  there is some catching up to do.  i have broken a lot of cycles and she doesn't live the same life as back then.  i hope she is proud of who she's become.  i hope she feels comfortable in her skin.  i hope she sees that she is teaching little people in a way that she was never taught.  it is her life's work.  she's righting the wrongs.  i am righting the wrongs.  i am teaching in the way i was never taught.

i know myself so much better today.