layers.

the past 9days have caught up with me this morning. i had big plans to slip out of bed in the wee hours and sprint to the kinder teacher yard sale (the one i originally went to on the wrong date that's really this morning). not one single dollar for a classroom necessity treasure or the gas to get there turned out to be a sweet blessing. i did my dishes instead. and then i sat on my couch and soaked in the quiet early morning. my spirit was still. it is truly one of my favorite life moments...the early morning stillness. the early morning stillness that instinctively triggers pondering. and so i did.

first my space, then the day, then the last 9 days. and i thought of the different things going on in this little life of ours. just inside the layer of self soaking in the beauty of the morning and the grand immediate happenings going on, was the layer of self that carries life stressors. it's not full exactly, but it's sensitive. it holds worry and fear. last night brought my first real moment of feeling it, and the release came when i wasn't expecting it (i think it's how it works when you try to trudge through and ignore it, yes?). it's only a tiny bit of worry and fear for me or my cute boy (and that's mostly only a scheduling issue, and a bit of middle school anxiety of mine for the boy, and a smidge of temporary financial)...we are feeling quite steady and strong. we are feeling a bit on top of the world in our own transition. we are feeling a bit ready to be out of transition!

so once i ration (aka CRY) through the layer of self that carries particularly hard things, i feel the blessings of all my life's work to learn, grow and progress. i feel the strength of my relationship with Heavenly Father, the ability to trust that was renewed inside me as i built on that relationship, the church family that lifts me always, the lessons i learn as i serve in my church calling, the heart melting indescribable life as a mother and my connection to my child, the confidence that came with years of education (and endurance), the countless tears and work work work spent diving into understanding healing and changing thought processes and cycles spinning in this head and heart of mine, even recently the opportunity to renew my connection to my body and give me new significant perspective, and even the deep appreciation i have for the dear dear friends i have in my life. this is a layer. this is all a big fat full layer of myself.

and now i feel at ease again. i'm back to the layer of self rejuvenated and ready for the day. i actually want to fold the clothes in my room.;) you know, the ones that take up half the room? the pile that really will change my spirit once it's tended to! i want to shower and wash my face (janet;)). i want to take care of me again, rather than just focus on all that has to get done. when i take a moment to just be, i find ME. and i take me one layer at a time.