i'm sitting.
i can't move.
i can't make a fist even.
i see the lines in my carpet, so there is evidence of an attempt at order. i know i did in fact vacuum.
i see dirty dinner dishes, so there is evidence that i'm feeding my family.
i hear and see the tv, and it distracts me.
the boy is in and out of playing
with friends.
i see a pile of papers and such that need to be tended to.
it is so hot in my apartment.
i see the mountain of clothes that are begging to be tended to. all clean of course, just waiting to be folded and hung (they've been waiting a while).
i feel myself sinking with sadness because i just can't get up and tend to it.
i can't.
i can't.
i can't.
in my stillness i feel the tears stream down my still face. you might not even know i was crying unless you looked closely.
i don't even have the stress of school anymore, yet i feel the weight of a monstrous life.
i'm overwhelmed.
i'm sad.
i'm angry.
i'm scared.
i can't breathe.
yet i'm fine.
i'm good even.
it's all quite confusing.
perhaps the visual is not exactly gray, but rather a perfect swirly mixture of black and white and gray. can you see it?
tonight the boy is seeing it. he keeps asking if i'm okay. if i'm sure i'm okay even. i know i should be in my closet. or my shower. or anywhere but sitting here. but i'm simply paralyzed tonight.
perhaps i should open my birthday present and download some peaceful calming tunes. is it funny that THEprofessional requested such an act, and then (without any prompting & totally out of the blue) i was gifted something to make such a request possible? and is it funny that it has been hiding inside its box for 9 days now because it is possible to not feel worthy of said gift. (it's the whole "who do i think i am" syndrome that i wander around with).
my woe is me dramatic self is quite annoying to even me tonight.
perhaps i should go to bed and try again tomorrow;)
nighty noodle, friends...
i can't move.
i can't make a fist even.
i see the lines in my carpet, so there is evidence of an attempt at order. i know i did in fact vacuum.
i see dirty dinner dishes, so there is evidence that i'm feeding my family.
i hear and see the tv, and it distracts me.
the boy is in and out of playing
with friends.i see a pile of papers and such that need to be tended to.
it is so hot in my apartment.
i see the mountain of clothes that are begging to be tended to. all clean of course, just waiting to be folded and hung (they've been waiting a while).
i feel myself sinking with sadness because i just can't get up and tend to it.
i can't.
i can't.
i can't.
in my stillness i feel the tears stream down my still face. you might not even know i was crying unless you looked closely.
i don't even have the stress of school anymore, yet i feel the weight of a monstrous life.
i'm overwhelmed.
i'm sad.
i'm angry.
i'm scared.
i can't breathe.
yet i'm fine.
i'm good even.
it's all quite confusing.
perhaps the visual is not exactly gray, but rather a perfect swirly mixture of black and white and gray. can you see it?
tonight the boy is seeing it. he keeps asking if i'm okay. if i'm sure i'm okay even. i know i should be in my closet. or my shower. or anywhere but sitting here. but i'm simply paralyzed tonight.
perhaps i should open my birthday present and download some peaceful calming tunes. is it funny that THEprofessional requested such an act, and then (without any prompting & totally out of the blue) i was gifted something to make such a request possible? and is it funny that it has been hiding inside its box for 9 days now because it is possible to not feel worthy of said gift. (it's the whole "who do i think i am" syndrome that i wander around with).
my woe is me dramatic self is quite annoying to even me tonight.
perhaps i should go to bed and try again tomorrow;)
nighty noodle, friends...
