hi! i feel like we haven't connected in a while. i feel like i've been a little shy, meek, insecure, confused, perplexed even, and simply not blog creative. and then the usual things that might keep one away...busy, tired, or simply choosing that over this.

the boy was on the computer a bit ago, and it completely closed. i started it back up, only for it to close again. and then again. and yet again. and then it worked. and i feel like my time is limited. and i feel worried that my connection to life outside of my bubble will be forced to function through that old fashioned telephone, and the transparency of face to face interaction (until the computer is fixed for good).

my camera is without battery juice (or a charger), but it is filled with beautiful(ish) posts. and i've been borrowing my auntie's camera (which i think was my cousin's first digital in 1961). which obviously isn't true, but it's old and you get the point. i love the pictures i am storing on it until we find the chord to allow them to slip onto my computer (cause it will in fact keep working), and then onto my blog as my way of recording this life we are living. until then you get mumbo jumbo. you get words. you get more reality than creativity. you get the meat of me.

perhaps an update of sorts is in order? perhaps i am stalling bedtime for some reason, even with the incredibly droopy eyes, and what you get out of it is an update...a way-past-my-bedtime-ramble-of-inner-thoughts kind of update.:)

gettING LEan &such? i'm still working on it. it is dang hard. it is tricky balancing service and self. i think that is my biggest struggle right now (or has been in the last few weeks). people say to "lose yourself in service" and it will help you forget yourself and your own struggles. but the service was taking over. it was more than at the expense of my family. it was at the expense of self. after some analyzing and listening (cause there are a couple of grand professionals {L&K} who analyze with me) i had my moment of realization. if i were on a crashing airplane, it would be the moment where i have put the mask on the entire plane...and forgot to put it on myself first. and while i have made sure all is well and right, i am gasping for breath.
i love this explanation. it is clear and obvious (to me). i had a great start to making time and putting forth a great effort to committing to my physical self. i made time. i had little guilt. i was motivated and strong.
and then things started to get a little busy for a few days and i had missed my homework miles. and i freaked out. and then i had no time for meals or grocery store trips (literally), and that made me fear even more that i would in fact fail in this process. more worries began to filter through and consume me. but even in that, and seeing success with my body, and feeling another surge of strength and empowerment, you want to know what happened? i had a "runaway bride" moment. i even remember the moment exactly (it's happened in a few similar moments). i was telling someone about this "thing" i'm doing. and i was excited. i was enthusiastic, and hopeful, and tearful, and proud. and i rambled and shared, and answered questions, and told some things i had learned (because they asked). and when i was all done i felt silly. i felt embarrassed. i couldn't believe i had just shared what all i was doing for my physical health (my body!). i couldn't believe i had just spent so much time building up this grand thing. i felt wrong. i felt humiliated (by ME). i felt guilty. i felt ugly again.
the thing is...i have a way rational self who says "this is nuts." and i have a way emotional self that says, "i totally get it, stop feeling something (a happy something) for this." i think i'm just afraid to fail. i think if i tell, i will be held accountable, or that people will be expecting something great from me...and they might witness the failure in action. 100pounds? really? suck.
i almost can't breath typing it.
i feel like i can't keep up...with my brain (or instinctive self) sabotaging it, or with the requirements, or with my own desires, or with all that daily living entails without all of this other body-consuming-nonsense.
one minute discouraged is profound.
the next, i am doing without contemplation and that feels grand and amazing. i like to not think, but do. i think most big things in my life, i've had to follow in that approach: don't think, just do.

can i end it here? can that be all i update on? it took me an hour to write that. i am purging...in blog world. geez.
goodnight.