feeling...

beautiful
ambitious
capable
stagnant
strong
courageous
empowered
paralyzed
1step
2step
3baby steps
re-energized
re-committed
doing it
proud
embarrassed
crying
confused
analyzing
afraid
recognizing a source
growing
enlightened
baby stepping again
the light is shining
the spirit is present
goodness is fulfilling
happiness is abundant
again, doing it

it's true that i am beyond in tune with every emotion of myself. and perhaps that knowledge intensifies life for me. perhaps it's easier to just BE. it's not my reality, but what is my reality is what has always been. so doesn't that make it easier for me to just BE with me? since it's just me, shouldn't my 30 year old self know me, and know my patterns, and my inconsistencies, and my strengths, and recognize them, and trudge through, and conquer all?

i'd rather just be living. but what i imagined i'd be living is a little different than the reality of what i'm living, even with modifications over the years, and so i often still feel like i am biding time until we LIVE. which is funny because we do in fact live. i have been building this great grand life for me, for the cute boy, for us as a family. we do anything and everything, and too much, and too little. i don't feel deprived of much. yet, in my mind we are still waiting to live.

waiting for when i have my "grown up" job (although i've been asked to stop calling it this...by THEprofessional)
waiting to be financially independent and secure and sound (holy student loans)
waiting for the house to live life in
waiting for the porch swing and the yard and such
waiting to meet the great guy
waiting to be in the area i'm not thinking of moving from
waiting to be home with babies
waiting
waiting
waiting
w
a
i
t
i
n
g


i am tired of having to work so hard for it
i am tired of having to feel like i need to be so different in order for it all to happen
i'm tired
t
i
r
e
d

beautiful
ambitious
capable
stagnant
strong
courageous
empowered
paralyzed
1step
2step
3baby steps
re-energized
re-committed
doing it
proud
embarrassed
crying
confused
analyzing
afraid
recognizing a source
growing
enlightened
baby stepping again
the light is shining
the spirit is present
goodness is fulfilling
happiness is abundant
again, doing it