although things are going quite smoothly, the anxiety has been building.
i got thrust into a project in a way that blindsided me. cool, fun, interesting, special, and totally up my alley....but with time, preparation, and not right now. and it's not about saying no. it's about wanting to help (cause the circumstance was crazy), and about finally getting to share my own talent in a way i've been dying to for 6 years at this particular place in this particular way. but not right now. or without time and preparation.
and as i was frantically trying to make it all work, i found myself having less patience with the boy. my home was getting out of control again. making time for exercise seemed laughable (for about 3 days straight), and focusing on food put me in a whole other realm of frustration. and now i have to concentrate to find peace.

it IS possible to do too much. and i see when i am not supplying the right fuel to my body, exhaustion kicks in (as does my craving for sweets). and i see that i am dying to go for a walk. and at the end of my workout, i cry during the stretches. especially when THEgirl says "you deserve this".


last night after a particularly long day my stomach began to hurt. i decided about midnight to soak in the tub. a warm bath should do the trick. as i laid there i found myself in a full on anxiety attack (i've never had one before, but i'm kind of sure of it). my aching gurgling stomach appeared to be growing....i thought my body was filling with fluid (as though the bath water was being injected into the inside of me, rather than filling me with warmth on the outside). and i couldn't move. i considered how far i would go before i called 911. and then i contemplated who i would call first- mom or 911. cause the operator would want to talk with me until EMS arrived and then i would have no time to call mom. and i could do home and cell phones, but i was sure i could not even get out of the tub...which made neither an option. and i worried.
i literally jolted myself out of my thoughts bringing me deeper and deeper into my "moment" which was also intensifying the pain. and as i shook my head, stepped out of the tub, and covered myself with warm towels, i wondered how much of that was real. i was still in pain, but it was different than even seconds before.

and this morning, my body does feel a little traumatized from it. almost like a migraine-morning-after.

this morning i am moving slow. and i'm okay with that.