I feel something.  Lots of somethings I suppose.  I feel gross, disappointed, discouraged, overwhelmed, frustrated, good at nothing, and going no where.

Then I get a glimpse in the mirror and think...I'm not so bad.  As in I don't appear as gross as I feel, and then I start to feel silly and dramatic remembering that I'm great, life is great, I love my home, my life with the boy, and our world of this and that.  I remember that I'm confident, creative, actually good at lots of things, and feel a definite path of bigger things somewhere down the way.  Then I see a picture of myself and I can't believe that's me, and how awful and embarrassing and I'm not at all who I thought and blah blah blah...and thus the cycle of negativity restarts its ugly chipping away at my spirit.  I am in a constant battle of breaking myself down/building myself up/reassuring myself and so on.  It's exhausting.  I can't decide if I'm living the life I want or not.  I want more and different and specific changes and some days I feel like there is absolutely NO WAY I can make those things happen.  Then in the same breath I say, "Excuse me????? (with attitude and all, can you hear it?) You have done a lot and it's totally in you to do a lot more."
This life of limbo...of living for one day rather than being content with today...ugh.  I have the same consistent wish as always: to sit on a swing on the porch of my house and feel totally and completely happy.  I want to be done done done done done with needing to make all these changes to me.  I get we are always progressing and that's not even what I'm refering to.  I'm just so done with all this needing to CHANGE, you know?
okay, off to self talk and feel better and rest and stuff;)