it really is beautiful seeing everyone getting ready for the holiday.
your foods you've completed or are preparing to make sound like fabulous dishes for your gatherings.
you have decorated your homes.
you are planning your christmas decorations.
you are excited anticipating christmas.
you know what you are getting your children.  and some of you have even begun.
some of you are even crafting grand gifts.
some of you are deciding what to gift your friends with.
you are taking pictures and picking out the perfect christmas card to showcase your family in your annual update.
you have traditions and people who happily partake of those traditions. 
there is real genuine smiling.
there might even be laughter.
i've been seeing and hearing you count your blessings.

and while i too know i have many many blessings, i can't help but wonder what i am doing to have (dare i say even to feel like i deserve) none of that.  i don't like not knowing.  especially because i think i would work really hard to immediately fix it if i could only know the source. 

but i do know that whatever it is i am doing wrong (or whatever needs to be tweaked) is seeping into my logic to do most things: budget, clean, cook, declutter, problem solve, take risks, even to perform a daily rhythm that might help life hum along smoothly.  i hope i figure it out soon.  there is so much to enjoy, as evidenced from everyone around me in their cheerful festive accounts of life.