warning: downer.

i am not a resilient girl right now.
i've been in bed all day.
all day.
my home is dumb.
my job is dumb.
15yr reunions are dumb.
broken families are dumb.
i just wrote a really long list of things that are dumb but erased them to spare you...nice of me, yes?
my mind is also engulfed by Women, Food, and God.  it's the book i'm reading now, which i really love and is so fascinating and revealing.  i feel like i'm learning about myself.  which is what i want.  the book is so right on with my issues.  but it's all still so depressing to me.  i have the i wants.  i want this and that.  big, small, profound and insignificant, i want it all.  i want to be living a different life.  i really do.  it's like i still don't even know who i am sometimes. and i just can't believe that after all this effort and time really trying to know, that i can still make that statement....that i don't even know who i am.  that i don't feel like my place in this world is valid or important.  that i'm offering anything of value.  i'm only offering a half-ass version of myself.  i have great big desires and wishes and needs and wants for myself and my boy.  i feel like my intentions are deep and valuable and important, and that even Heavenly Father knows they are grand and good.  surely it is not his plan for me to sit in this stupid apartment, trying forever to figure life out, and live this every.single.day.  it cannot be his wish for me. 
i would ask him, but i'm kind of afraid of his answer.
when do i get to LIVE?