I just woke up from a short Sunday nap.  I woke up worried about my job.  And last night I tossed and turned until I woke up this morning worried about the mathTAKS test.  I think I'm feeling the pressure a tad, even though I don't focus on it at all in my day to day.  It's totally sneaking in through my subconscious. 
I listened to many beautiful, diverse, profound testimonies that certainly added to my own at church today.  In fact, they did make all my own woes seem almost absurd and silly.  Of course my face was red and blotchy and my eyes were wet.  I'm that girl.  Two Sunday's in a row as I've walked down the hall I've had people say I am glowing.  Inside, I couldn't be more opposite. I feel tarnished and dull.  I carry on great conversations, bond with children I could take home in a heartbeat (if well...they didn't have their own fantastic mom's and dad's to tend to them;).  The final "How are you?" was at my car as I was leaving.  "Good! How are you?" (I replied, smiling of course)  And finally, the response of good that sounds like my insides.  The good that is the appropriate response combined with the real meaning.  The good that we get to share, give each other a look, and know that we're in the same odd state working through whatever is lying under good at the moment.  I like that I have that with her.  And even though we've never really gone there deeply in conversation, we kind of get each other in that way.

I've had some unique opportunities to go deep and then even deeper in conversation with different people lately.  I've needed it so much.  It has to be carefully done and with the right people or else you're strange and intense.  Perhaps even high maintenance.  I don't even want to be A maintenance, much less a high one;)  It was faaaaaaaaaaaaabulous to get to have a conversation that ended in no solution (which would be dreamy), but that spoke to the core of me.  And it wasn't even about me (or really them), but more about life.  I shared things I had only shared a couple of times over a decade ago.  I got to have some therapeutic pondering, verbal processing, and sorting.  Man, I love that!
The obstacle at the forefront of my mind is my inability to follow through.  I have such grand ideas for how I want to live.  And I don't mean grand in the way of lavish or finances or anything like that.  I just mean a simple, meaningful way to live the minutes of my day.  Yet it's like I'm paralyzed.  Can't move, can't think, can't do, paralyzed.  It's such a waste.  Wasted thought cause all I do is think about it.  Waste of time and effort because I can plan it monthly, weekly, daily, to the minute and it never gets done.  Waste of goodness because it doesn't get used, or eaten, or cleaned, or acknowledged.  Waste of a perfectly good, healthy capable person.  I want to give my own self a shove, but I think I would only fall limp and cry like some kind of mess that I don't even want to deal with.  I'm really not made of this wimpy substance.  I'm not.  So it's really quite odd to feel like such mush.

Last week I committed to eat lunch everyday and it was awesome.  It really did make a difference in my day.  I haven't made it to the store yet to follow through for this week, but I'm shooting for tomorrow.  This week has big plans, everyday with an important to do list.....all planned out and sitting neatly on the table with check boxes for us to mark off as we go.  I don't know how I feel about this life that I'm living, but this week we are purging.  The boy to earn dinero for bball camp, and I to declutter.  I need the relief that comes from ridding ones self of massive amounts of clutter.  Wish me luck!:)

Wishing we were whisking ourselves away to the beach next week.  I'll have to come up with something equally as fulfilling.  I should plan....and follow through.