i struggle between this and that.

minute 1 (this)

• lonely is an awful state. did you even know one could feel so lonely amongst so many? even on the busiest day, surrounded by family and friends (at different times, but rarely a real alone moment), yet still utterly, painfully, heartbreaking-ly alone? and did you know how powerful that state of lonely could be? did you know it could work double time to pull you away from people? did you know if you are particularly aware of the actions of lonely people that even that knowledge could make one terrified of being the annoying lonely one...and therefore reach out to no one? and then a cycle of lonely keeps you in a constant back-of-your-mind state of lonely because your deepest needs are really never being met. and then you do things like eat, or cry, or make lists of what life will be like when you are not so lonely. and then guilt comes and makes it all quite ugly. and do you know that feeling rarely (if ever) goes away when you function in a state of lonely? all this even with deep, wonderful, meaningful relationships with many.
• claustrophobically needing to burst from my space (but I've whined enough about that that i don't think I'll share anymore).
• yearning (in the deepest form of yearning) for financial security. and even a little fear backing that up as i see those who have lived lifetimes in that state of yearning. you see it in their eyes and constant expressions, in their skin, hair, clothes, teeth, bodies (aches and such that they never had the money to care for), and then obviously things (which are the unimportant part). i don't ever want to feel like my body is a luxury. you know?
• the worry of a parent just might succeed that state of lonely. and i know that these feelings are off and on and constant...it's a part of parenting. it's a lifetime commitment that just always is.

minute 2 (that)

• i live in a space that suffices me practically, creatively, and spiritually.
• i am cautiously, respectfully, and gratefully relying on service that allows our lives to function as smoothly and peacefully as they do.
• i am on top of every bargain that allows me to feel as though we do not go without. that needs and even some wants are met by the constant watchful eye of good deals, sales, thrift shops, garage sales, craigslist, markets, even loop holes and such. (although i did run into a hardcore-coupon-lady at a store the other day and she totally inspired me. she says every single time she saves 60-70% on her totals!!!! every. single. time.)
• our greatest joys really are found in moments when the spirit is strong....reading as a family, discussing the gospel, in prayer, in service, any situation in which people are building and encouraging one another genuinely, when our home is clean, in order, and peaceful, in simple moments connecting us to nature most often involving any or all: trees, water, a breeze, rain, or most recently that magnitude of great mountains and snow. there is something grand in stillness that allows us to pause, feel, and soak it all in. and also for me...teaching. teaching anything. even an English word or pronunciation or meaning to some of my Spanish speaking friends. or children, or parents, or girls only, or boys only, or teenagers only, or in a church/camp/school/social setting only, whatEVER. teaching brings me joy.
• i love that we know well the things that bring us happiness (even different from joy). festivals, museums, music, people, shopping (am I shallow for saying it?), food, movies, parks, kites, bikes, being actively engaged in one another, and more. (there's in infinite amount of that).
• there is a real effort to being better. to learning more about self, learning from it, and learning what to do with it. although it is far from full understanding or perfection (and i assume it will always be like that...although sometimes I get tired and just want to BE).
• i am proud of our car. i don't know why this brings me such happiness....joy even. i am proud that it's paid off, and economical, and ecofriendly, and just right for this current stage of life we're in. perhaps it's because i was so close to getting something wonderful, but prompting after prompting led me astray. and then the gas prices went up, the economy went down, and i really did not land myself a job. and a few months went by, the current carro was paid off, and having our little car became so practical and wise that it was re-realized as a beyond fantastic treasure.
• we really are quite a happy thriving little family. and we really are surrounded by many who love us. and that is a good feeling.

minute 2 is perspective enough to push off those thoughts from minute 1.

minute 2 keeps the good things happening.

minute 2 is bueno.

and in all honesty, minute 2 happens way more than minute 1.