I am perhaps one of the very best big picture analysts.  I get it.  I get the big picture of most things, or I can find it quickly.  My brain is good at these sorts of things.  I suppose I can even pinpoint the little things quite well.  I feel okay saying that.  However.  However, I am not so grand at implementing those little things.  Those little things that eventually align with the big picture, that make everything make sense in the grand ways that it should.  Those little things I recognize and acknowledge and talk about and dream about and plan and well....disregard.
I don't know if I'm lazy by nature, or if biologically things like my thyroid or excess weight drag me down significantly enough, or if my brain is not one that is fantastic at multi-tasking, or if I have developed some pretty hardcore ingrained habits that are beyond difficult to sway, or what.  Perhaps it's all of those.  But I am really bad at implementing the little things.

And so naturally when I'm making my 2013 resolutions and trying to be reflective of my past year(s) I can recognize, even pinpoint (as I've done in the past) exactly where and what I'm doing wrong, and even make beautiful heartfelt declarations so spot on of what I need to do in order for life to be different, better.  And then instantaneously I take a step to live life and it's like I'm stepping off a cliff into the great big empty openness of wrong.  I forget.  or something.  I realize mid-chew what I'm eating, or fall into my pillow and night and jolt up realizing I skipped praying on my knees again, and "ugh it's Monday and I forgot to plan a family night again", and will i ever remember to floss a day in my life?, and why am I talking in this tone to my beeeautiful child?, and mooooooooooore.  Maybe I'm just not so aware.  I try to be insanely aware of everything though, so that can't be it.  Maybe I'm not as in the moment (again back to the slow processing of my brain).  I might be on to something here.  I know that life is way more fantastic for me when I prepare.  I have to have time to process.  When I am prepared, I can be great.  At making the meal I wanted to make, at teaching the lesson I wanted to teach, at ending the day with family scripture study, at fitting in the walk/workout, at making time to ponder and write, at being better for this teenager who's likely watching my every move. 

So I'm thinking how I spend my time is pretty significant.  Making time to prepare and plan and process.  And then having the umf and courage to go do it.

My lists are pouring out all over the place with things like walking and yoga, and taking care of much needed medical needs.  I learned this week that plantar fascitis (my big fat feet problem I've been crippling from this past year) happens a lot of the time from hypothyroidism!  Wha???  I still don't even understand how or why or wha??  but it makes a ton of since as to why my feet are so fragile.  And why again have I been ignoring my thyroid issues?  I have no idea why I don't respect this body of mine more.  But nevertheless, it's on my list of resolutions to tend to my thyroid troubles and see what other ailments that might cure....fatigue, weight, menstrual mumbo jumbo, FEEEEET.  I also have my teeth to take better care of, and teenage wisdom teeth to remove, and possibly even add the braces said teenager is requesting.  I have the last little bits of my debts to shew away, and a credit score to build up, and patience to be had in this process.  Also making the list this year is living more within our means.  This requires a lot more planning and preparation in the ol kitchen for me.  Nothing new, just the same goals to find more recipes and cook more.  Which also requires us to have more evenings at home and to demand that life gives us that.  I'll have to say no more.  I'll have to be more efficient with my time at work.  I'll have to be better at prioritizing and budgeting.  Living within our means also means reserving the first part of the pay check for tithing which feels unbelievably hard. always.  It's good, and I believe in the principle, but I never know how to follow through and make it work.  I suppose you just do it (follow through) and you do (make it work).  Professionally my goals are the same...to PLAN and PREPARE.  I am in such a habit of winging it and I know it will be life changing to be more prepared and less spontaneous in my teaching moments.  I also want to be more positive, uplifting, and patient.  Maybe gentle is the word I'm looking for.  Either way, it's children and I want to be better for them.

This year the boy is not making a single resolution.  He's practically declaring his stance at absolutely not a single ounce of planning his year.  Which is kind of hilarious to me since there are a ton of things (to me) that he needs to plan.  In January this freshman boy will be moved to the varsity football class.  This does make me slightly sick (for many reasons) as a momma, but I rely on the spirit to know how to help him process the culture of football and navigate his own sense of self and manhood through it.  He does a good job, and as long as it is something to excel in physically and a way to learn limits and boundaries and strength and endurance I can support that.  There is incredible competition among the boys, and a major amount of arrogance and authoritarian bullying(ish) from coaches in this great world of football.  And so I try my darnedest to counteract it all with really great men.  Youth leaders and friends that love and support this boy of mine in grand ways that fill the stands, and spend a good amount of time with him even in nonfootball playing ways.  And we cheer him on while he pushes and gets pushed and we delight in his abilities.  Plus, it's an accomplishment!  freshman on varsity = job well done!!  At the close of 2013 the boy will earn his Eagle Scout rank.  This time next year the plan is to hold a celebration of this accomplishment.  And so I suppose I will do the planning and prodding and he will do the implementing based on my resolution for him since he is NOT "setting any resolutions" himself;)  He will also learn how to drive.  He does a really good job already (due to some country driving), but I suppose I can commit to more extensive teaching.  Since I only have about 3 more years left with him at home I am feeling particularly anxious about all he still needs to learn.  So I'm thinking about a Need to Know Night of the week where we dedicate time to teaching him things he'll need to know when he ventures out on his own (that whole venturing out on his own thing really has to happen right?).  Academically he's doing well, but since I'm the parent with great example and influence I have taught some of the small detail descrepencies in routine and structure that he can stand to be better at...then I guess I have to remodel/reteach/and we practice what it looks and feels like to not procrastinate or cram and other sorts of habits that cause unnecessary chaos in life.

There's more I'm sure of it.  More that would make life feel more accomplished and good.  Those things I'll figure out as the year goes along.  For now I'll focus on aligning all the little details of life with the big picture goals.  I'll commit to making the little things that take a lot of effort feel more effortLESS.  And hopefully along the way there will be a lot of fun and laughter....cause we need those things too.  Cheers to a new year!