reading again.

I mentioned WomenFood&God before, but I have to briefly mention it again (and I'll likely mention it again).  This book is so ME.  There are books that you have to highlight or underline things that stand out to you or that you connect with or recognize in yourself.  And so may times I've started to go get the pencil to start underlining or adding notes.  but the problem I'm having with this book is that I would literally be underlining every word.  Every single word is speaking my life, what I do, how I think, and again back to what I do.  It's so much that I can't even process.  I've decided I'm going to finish it and then go back and take more time (with the pencil) to really apply it so I can truly listen.  The author offers these grand workshop retreats that cost like $2000 for a few days or something wacky.  I'm happy to just ponder and learn from the book:) 

One thing she talks about that has really struck me is an overwhelming need to constantly change who you are.  An almost obsession-like need to be better than who you are.  To learn, grow, be different.  There's this state of inability to accept who you are and to fill your life with the need to change.  And it is actually not okay.

It's different than wanting to be even better.  It's different than wanting to magnify talents or try new things (like running, or piano, or making bread on Sundays).  It's different than disciplining yourself to tweak poor habits. Instead it's more like an act of constantly keeping yourself down by piling on all the things that need to be better and perfect.  Cause if I'm "perfect" life will be different.  I will be different.  I can be happy. It's an awful expectation to have for yourself.  And it's an awful state of "failure" to function in because I can never really live up to that expectation. 

It's really fascinating.  I feel like she's counseling ME, yet she wrote this book without even knowing my name.  It's another moment where I start to feel so complicated yet I fit into a textbook case, and can do this this and this(ish) to get out of it.  I like that she gets this part of me.  Reading it does make me feel vulnerable and sensitive, but I hope the second time around I can really start learning and applying.  (not in an obsessive way, but in a totally healthy way;)