at least for a while.
perhaps a to be continued... for the next 7months?
you see, tonight i am wanting to connect in blog world. i think and see in blog language. i love my blog and all that i know and am connected to because of it. i love the resources that are brought forth in blog world. it has even vamped up my writing a bit...i notice the blog influence in various writings i'm required/asked to do now.
i started my blog because it looked like fun. and then as graduate school got extremely intense at the end, i used it as a lifeline to my world. i wanted to document the insanity and to keep a record of my family and our happenings. i wanted to keep in touch in the small/simple/only way that i could at that time. then i slumped into a little depression-ish kind of period and needed to unscramble thoughts and feelings in a way that was different than a personal journal. and now i am being sucked completely dry from this thing i do called teaching. and i got nothin'.
i hate it.
i hate my job.
i hate a list of things about it that are probably wrong for internet postings, so i will tell you with most certainty, i hate it.
and yes, i said the h-word. i said it 4 times!
so i'm being sucked dry, i am doing NOTHING for myself, or my child, or our home. our daily routine was ditched weeks ago. i wake up at 3am running and frantic literally til bed around 11pm. so when i look at my sweet boy, or my neglected self in the mirror, i resent my job even more. yet i have to keep going. and every day gets worse.
really...worse.
so when i visit blog world, i am at home, yet painfully reminded of how little of ME is living right now. i thrive progressing for me and my family. and when i can't even pee when i need to because i'm too busy, i am engulfed in a pity party of woes making all that i desire painfully obvious and intense. i want to be perched on a swing on the porch of my house with babies all about and a husband coming home to us. i want to rock and nurture in the breeze. i want the babies, and my boy, and to live for my family in all the ways i've worked so hard to know how to do. THIS. THISwork-nonsense living for my job, and for a job that hardly provides for my family, but totally takes away from it is for the birds.
and because i'm balling at even the thought of it, and blog world seems to make the sting more intense, i'm thinking i need to take a step back. i'm sensitive and sad and over my job. and i've had it a whopping 9weeks.
6 comments:
stick it out and come back home to us!!!! we love and miss you =/
oh no! I will miss your blog. But i understand if you have to choose between time with Alec... and blogging. I'd go with the boy!! I'm sorry your job is so nuts. What is it about it? PLanning the lessons? the kids? You are a tough lady - i know you will figure everything out.
Sometimes this world of instant access and sharing is not good for us. There is no black and white here. It's about keeping our sense of identity and health through all the sharing; it's about keeping proper expectations for our lives AS WE ARE NOW and not worrying about what other people present to us. Through blogs, we can cheer on our friends in their triumphs and cry with them in their troubles. But in all of this, we have to be cautious about trying to create when we can't; cautious not to put someone else's life up as our standard. I gave up Facebook this month. Sometimes the best thing to do is to pull inward for a while. And that's ok. Don't let the job kill your idealism for teaching. Teaching and love are inseparable.
Loving you from Arizona,
Angie R
I hope your job in the end will add to your life and give you the opportunity to enrich the lives you touch without draining you. You are amazing. Let me know if I can bring you (and Alec) a dinner or do something like laundry (it's my favorite household chore :)), I'm serious.
i LOVEyou guys;)
You may be done, but I hope that you come back. Because you got me hooked. Hooked enough that I started my own little blog world. I love you and I know that you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. I LOVE YOU, and can't wait to see you.
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