broken cat lady.

i'm  so far from happy that i can't help but feel broken.
many things bring me joy.
i can make, see, and do beautiful things.
i laugh.
i smile all the time.
i have friends.  really really good friends.
i have a good relationship with my family.
my child is amazing and in a good place.
and it's all genuine and real.
yet i'm miserable.
i can't explain it.
i don't understand it.
i just got home from work (8:30saturday night)...it was my 2nd time there today only this time i was doing church stuff.  i pulled up and my neighbor is outside on his porch with his daughter and they are drawing.  they are having a drawing contest.  and now i'm bawling....I want to be having a drawing contest.

but who has time to draw? 
i've been doing my house all day and it's nowhere near done (i've done a lot!!).
i went to work and my to do list is so grandiose that i couldn't even check off one item in the hour and a half i was there.  instead i made the list bigger.
i made the 200 fliers for the upcoming church activity, and am now working on the collage i was supposed to turn in a week ago at work.  (my entire team was scolded for another assignment that we have yet to turn in and it was due 8weeks ago...there's.no.time.)
i didn't even know the cute boy had the solo for his fall band concert last night until we were walking into the auditorium and he told me he was super excited about it!  (in my defense i was totally aware of his piece and practice hours and such...i just didn't realize he was playing it by himself)

i'm spread thin.
too thin.
i don't know how much is my fault, or just the way it is and i'm just dramatic.
i feel like the big, lonely cat lady with no life. (we have no cats, but if i wasn't so traumatized by tabor i would totally get one)
or maybe so much of a life that i am lost in it.
perhaps it's just my body.
if i wasn't carrying an extra 120pounds would i FEEL differently about all these to do's? 
or would it feel the same?
or am i just so resentful that this is what i'm doing rather than being home with babies that i can't truly get past it and enjoy my NOW?
or if i had nothing to do, would i still create a ton of things?
do i create things in order to avoid me?

cause i do feel like i make a conscious effort to avoid ME.
and then there's the inevitable moment of meeting, where i have to face me again.
and that's when i cry and admit that i am indeed broken.